Every day's a struggle,
every days a fight
between the part that wants to get up
get out
move around
and the parts that want to stay in bed
the parts at want to hide from the world
the parts that think no one will want to see us
have anything to do with us
how do I fight it
I'm so tired
I sleep all day
I'm up all night
I'm invisible to the world
I'm invisible to my family
they lie and tell people I'm crazy
I don't know why I survived
I don't know how I survived
I had no idea when I started remembering that there would be so much pain
or maybe I did
I remember saying to God I don't know what this is but I know you do
Marg said she knew this was really going to hurt
and she was right
she was right
I'm so tired
I just want to go home
where do I find the strength to fight this isolation
when all i want to do is lay in bed and sleep..........

The pain and grief is so intense right now I get up to take Harlow outside, I get up to eat, then I have to go back to bed. This room has always been my refuge, my hiding place.  Yesterday I felt like such a freak.  I don't know how I survived this.
    I found out I can send the request into the hospital through the mail.  So I will do that.  Hopefully I willl know once and for all how many babies I had.   I just want to know so I can move on. I'm tired of being stuck here.  Then I can decide what if anything to do about the DNA donors.  I think they need to answer for this the abuse was bad but all these babies. 
    I'm suprised that none have them have found me.  I hope that means they are happy and content...
Iv'e got some decisions to make and I want to move on.........   3/7/14

2/12/2014

I'm having a hard time today understanding why they threw me away..
How do two people who created you turn their back on you and just walk away.
How do they say when you have come to your senses come back to us.
HOw do they say we didn't do this/
He's the father of my children. 
All of them
Micheal and Abigail born May 10, 1974 in Bethany Missouri
Deborah Marie born April 16, 1981
Joseph Lee born    1979
I was never with any man but him.
I obeyed all his rules.
I did everything I could think of to please them.
In the end I just had to get away from them.
I bought everythig I needed.
I found a place behind there back.
I sat down in the living room and I said to him I rented an apartment and I'm moving out.
He was so mad at me.
Why do you want to waist your money hen you can stay here?
I don't know why you want to waist your money.
He insisted on going with me to meet the landlord, and read the lease.
It was lonely but I had to get out of there.
I couldn't give any more babies away.
I didn't want to have any more of his kids.
I couldn't do it.

I was there 3 or 4 months.
He talked me into moving into Grandpa Kerrs old apartment on Raccoon st.
Probably so he could watch me.

1/30/2014

Have you ever found yourself struggling between needing to know, and being afraid to see the truth?

Just when I thought I knew how many children I had with my abuser
The memories start again.
They start anew.
2 more that I now must find proof of their existance.
by the time Deborah was born I didn't fight her anymore, I just signed the papers and gave her away like all the other's.
I knew what was expected of me.
no more children,
no more evidence that he slept with anyone but her.
I knew what he wanted,
for us to have a little family of our own. 
and me?
well I was stuck in the middle between them both
wanting out
wanting my own without them
wanting it all to stop......
so how many are there really?  I guess I'm about to find out.
how can he be so callous?  so selfish?
if she would not allow my children in her house then why not stop?
so many an answered questions 
I know I have to remember to heal, and as long as there is more to remember,
 it sits inside of me like poison waiting to be released
from 74 to 81 is long stretch so how many more are there?
I think it's time to find out......

Sadness

Im really sad today.  I had the most am  azing conversation with a man last night.  I can't explain it it was just amazing.  Yes I did meet hom online.  I'm a big and men like us they are just hard to find.  It was great till I talked to him on the phone.  He sounded like a teenager.  He could hardly speak english, and he had an african accent.  I was so disapointed, cause he's a scammer and he thinks i'm dumb enough to believe that he's a man who was raised in America and he's in England right now taking care of his dad.  What a lier...


I'm so sad, mostly because i was taught to always blame myself when things happen to me, when i get hurt.  as im writing this i find that the real hurt comes because of someone else.
someone who i love more then anything someone who when im with i feel like im not good enough  someone who has a list of things he wants me to change before he marries me even though he has asked me begged me.

I said no because as much as i was taught that this is what love looks like this isnt love.  not the love  i have come to learn about not the love that healthy accepting people have for eachother.  and my heart feels like its broke and he calls and checks up on me and makes sure im ok and theres still a list and the latest thing he added was that i walk with a cane.  and this isnt love and im trying to get that through my head i wish i could get it through to my heart

is he a good man yes  he's somebody even if its only in his own mind  he talks a good game but hes always alone he tallllllllks about the people he knows and the friends he has but i never see them  he just keeps on talking and talking and talking and thats not love and i wish someone would explain it to my heart  its not love pam he wants you for what you can do for him not for who you are and thats not love and i thought that if i meet someone else it would help but it has made it worse because all the men  i have meet are scammers they are not real and they only want what they can get as well so what do i have to do whats it going to take do i have to stop looking ive been waiting for 52 years and im still alone my family i have to stay away from for my own safety ahd i am back to the question  Where is Pam have you seen her?  does anyone know where she belongs?  does anyone want her?  does anyone .  IS THERE ANYONE THERE?????

PTSD

My PTSD is through the rook today.   I have had a very rough Augustand it looks like I will not get to move anytime soon.  The woman who lives in the apartment below me called and said she still had bugs so they came and sprayed again but not before we got a letter saying we did not do what we were asked to do for the initial sprayings.     And after I unpacked everything put it in plastic garbage bags and repacked it.  took all my clothes and linens to the laundromat and I decided to leave them in the van for safe keeping...

Now I found out the landlord has rented my duplex out to another family.  He says they needed a place to live short term and they cant let the deplex set empty forever so I have a signed  lease and someone else gets the benefits of that lease, and I am stuck in this apartmentand all I seem to be able to do today is cry.  All I can hear inmy head is he doesnt believe you he thinks your lying and I feel like I am dealing with my dad.   

I dont think I can spend another month here just waitingI just dont think I can do it.              

Shame and loss

I am very sad right now, I see people all around me living their lives and I wonder am I living my life or am I just excisting? 

I live in a 6 plex apartment building and I am feeling alot of shame.  This past friday the management brought a bed bug sniffung dog through the our building.  My place is a mess because I am packing to move, and the place has bed bugs and I was the one who reported it (on July 1st) and instead of doing something about it right then, I was told I am the only one who has called so I must have brought them into the building and I will have to pay for to get rid of them if I can't do it on my own.  I am so ashamed, I am not a dirty person, this is my first rental experience and the place I am moving too has the same landlord, so I am affraid to say to much.  And I feel so ashamed, and dirty, and this is all my fault, and what will I do if they won't let me go to the new place?  Where will I go?  It's not like I can go home,  I don't have a home, and I sure don't have a family, and I feel so ashamed that I have these bugs and I am spraying every day and the landlord said if they have to bring in someone to do the heat treatment it will cost me $900.00.  and I am trying to get everything packed and I don't want to take the bugs with me, 

Tomorrow I am going to buy a new bed, and I have to find someone to haul my old one away, and the movers are coming on the 27 to put my things in storage, so I think I will leave my things in there for a couple of weeks, they say the bugs don't like heat or steam and it is very humid here right now.  And the landlord said she was going to call my neighbors and tell them I had bed bugs and I am so ashamed.   

All of this really triggers my childhood shame and I am really having to force myself to get out of bed and get packed.  

I wonder what life feels like to people who don't have PTSD, and depression, and all of the effects of childhood trauma........
Do they ever feel this way?
The landlord said I must have been in a motel or several other places where I could get bed bugs and the truth is I only leave this apartment once or twice a week.  I havent been in a motel in over a year and I feel so ashamed.  
I have lost so much, and every move I make trying to find out who pam is, what she likes is a step I take away from the only life I have ever known and that was with my father and he's not my father, I don't look at him like that he raised me to be his woman, the other woman, the other mother of his other children, and it hurts so much.
I have carried all thiese lies and all these secrets inside of me and it has been at times shear agony, and torture.  And my Aunts don't understand and it hurts so badly sometime I want to rip my heart out, sometimes I wish I didn't feel all of this and I don't know what to do with it and it hurts so bad and I am so ashamed.  And I see how people look at me, and they have no idea what I have survived.
I think more then anything I want my aunts and uncles and cousins to recognize that I lived this secret life, I want them to acknowledge my children,  I want them to know how much I hurt inside all the time every minute of every hour of every day. 
I sat through every holiday
every birthday
every wedding
every funeral
every gathering in pain
believing that if I ever told they would get rid of me.
The secret life of Pam, and it was right under their noses, and nobody said a word.
Nobody tried to help me.
And people knew and shame on them for not doing something about it.
So much shame and so much loss and still I hide so he won't find me,
still I hide so when I do go outside I don't have to worry if he's driving by, or if he's following me,
and there is so much shame and so much loss and It would be different if I had done something wrong, if I had been the one to seduce him, if I had been the one to say "wouldn't it be nice if we could have a  little family of our own"

It wasn't me.......
I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was a little girl born into this world like every child
hoping for the same life,yet groomed to be who HE wanted me to be, instead of being allowed to be me...........
SO......HAVE YOU SEEN PAM ????????
I AM STILL LOOKING FOR HER........
AND TONIGHT IS NOT THE NIGHT THAT I DECIDE TO GIVE UP LOOKING FOR HER........