1/30/2014

Have you ever found yourself struggling between needing to know, and being afraid to see the truth?

Just when I thought I knew how many children I had with my abuser
The memories start again.
They start anew.
2 more that I now must find proof of their existance.
by the time Deborah was born I didn't fight her anymore, I just signed the papers and gave her away like all the other's.
I knew what was expected of me.
no more children,
no more evidence that he slept with anyone but her.
I knew what he wanted,
for us to have a little family of our own. 
and me?
well I was stuck in the middle between them both
wanting out
wanting my own without them
wanting it all to stop......
so how many are there really?  I guess I'm about to find out.
how can he be so callous?  so selfish?
if she would not allow my children in her house then why not stop?
so many an answered questions 
I know I have to remember to heal, and as long as there is more to remember,
 it sits inside of me like poison waiting to be released
from 74 to 81 is long stretch so how many more are there?
I think it's time to find out......