PTSD

My PTSD is through the rook today.   I have had a very rough Augustand it looks like I will not get to move anytime soon.  The woman who lives in the apartment below me called and said she still had bugs so they came and sprayed again but not before we got a letter saying we did not do what we were asked to do for the initial sprayings.     And after I unpacked everything put it in plastic garbage bags and repacked it.  took all my clothes and linens to the laundromat and I decided to leave them in the van for safe keeping...

Now I found out the landlord has rented my duplex out to another family.  He says they needed a place to live short term and they cant let the deplex set empty forever so I have a signed  lease and someone else gets the benefits of that lease, and I am stuck in this apartmentand all I seem to be able to do today is cry.  All I can hear inmy head is he doesnt believe you he thinks your lying and I feel like I am dealing with my dad.   

I dont think I can spend another month here just waitingI just dont think I can do it.              

Shame and loss

I am very sad right now, I see people all around me living their lives and I wonder am I living my life or am I just excisting? 

I live in a 6 plex apartment building and I am feeling alot of shame.  This past friday the management brought a bed bug sniffung dog through the our building.  My place is a mess because I am packing to move, and the place has bed bugs and I was the one who reported it (on July 1st) and instead of doing something about it right then, I was told I am the only one who has called so I must have brought them into the building and I will have to pay for to get rid of them if I can't do it on my own.  I am so ashamed, I am not a dirty person, this is my first rental experience and the place I am moving too has the same landlord, so I am affraid to say to much.  And I feel so ashamed, and dirty, and this is all my fault, and what will I do if they won't let me go to the new place?  Where will I go?  It's not like I can go home,  I don't have a home, and I sure don't have a family, and I feel so ashamed that I have these bugs and I am spraying every day and the landlord said if they have to bring in someone to do the heat treatment it will cost me $900.00.  and I am trying to get everything packed and I don't want to take the bugs with me, 

Tomorrow I am going to buy a new bed, and I have to find someone to haul my old one away, and the movers are coming on the 27 to put my things in storage, so I think I will leave my things in there for a couple of weeks, they say the bugs don't like heat or steam and it is very humid here right now.  And the landlord said she was going to call my neighbors and tell them I had bed bugs and I am so ashamed.   

All of this really triggers my childhood shame and I am really having to force myself to get out of bed and get packed.  

I wonder what life feels like to people who don't have PTSD, and depression, and all of the effects of childhood trauma........
Do they ever feel this way?
The landlord said I must have been in a motel or several other places where I could get bed bugs and the truth is I only leave this apartment once or twice a week.  I havent been in a motel in over a year and I feel so ashamed.  
I have lost so much, and every move I make trying to find out who pam is, what she likes is a step I take away from the only life I have ever known and that was with my father and he's not my father, I don't look at him like that he raised me to be his woman, the other woman, the other mother of his other children, and it hurts so much.
I have carried all thiese lies and all these secrets inside of me and it has been at times shear agony, and torture.  And my Aunts don't understand and it hurts so badly sometime I want to rip my heart out, sometimes I wish I didn't feel all of this and I don't know what to do with it and it hurts so bad and I am so ashamed.  And I see how people look at me, and they have no idea what I have survived.
I think more then anything I want my aunts and uncles and cousins to recognize that I lived this secret life, I want them to acknowledge my children,  I want them to know how much I hurt inside all the time every minute of every hour of every day. 
I sat through every holiday
every birthday
every wedding
every funeral
every gathering in pain
believing that if I ever told they would get rid of me.
The secret life of Pam, and it was right under their noses, and nobody said a word.
Nobody tried to help me.
And people knew and shame on them for not doing something about it.
So much shame and so much loss and still I hide so he won't find me,
still I hide so when I do go outside I don't have to worry if he's driving by, or if he's following me,
and there is so much shame and so much loss and It would be different if I had done something wrong, if I had been the one to seduce him, if I had been the one to say "wouldn't it be nice if we could have a  little family of our own"

It wasn't me.......
I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was a little girl born into this world like every child
hoping for the same life,yet groomed to be who HE wanted me to be, instead of being allowed to be me...........
SO......HAVE YOU SEEN PAM ????????
I AM STILL LOOKING FOR HER........
AND TONIGHT IS NOT THE NIGHT THAT I DECIDE TO GIVE UP LOOKING FOR HER........

Alone or not Alone?

So I found this great blog, called Cycle of healing, and I am feeling bad, that I feel releaved, that I'm not alone. 

I don't want anyone else to know this pain,
to know this abuse. 

and that is exactly what all abusers want their subjects to think,
that we are alone,
that no one will believe us,
in my case I was told,
"if you tell, we will have to get rid of you."
well you know what?
There are people who understand,
There are people who know I am telling the truth,
There are people who do accept me, just as I am.
There are people who speak the language of abuse,
because we were raised, and groomed, in the knowledge of that language.

And it is HERE,
that we can listen,
and support,
and walk this path together.

As much as I wish I was the only one,
I'm not,
and it's GOOD to know,
that you are  alone in this,

IT A BIG FAT LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have YOU SEEN Pam?

I have been looking for her everywhere.......

She was not able to find out who she was, when she was growing up. 
She was too busy, being who she was groomed to be,
by the people who did this to her. 

Who are those people?
He is a pedefile, and his wife,
who covered for him, and cleaned up his messes.
Some peaople call them MOM and DAD.

SO HAVE YOU SEEN PAM ?????

I have been looking for her for 52 years.

If you find her,
Will you tell her, she is Loved?
Will you tell her, she's not alone?
Will you tell her, her life has purpose, and that she is a good person.
Will you tell her, she deserves to be happy?
Will you tell her, it's OK to be honest, and Tell on her Mom and Dad?
Will you tell her, it's OK to morn the loss of her children?
Will you tell her, she's not to blame?
Will you tell her, this is not her shame to carry?
Will you tell her, she doesn't have to punish herself,
   for the things SHE DID NOT DO.........
Will you tell her, I understand?
Will you tell her, that OTHER PEOPLE FEEL THIS PAIN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Will you tell her, There's a reason she survived.................