Shame and loss

I am very sad right now, I see people all around me living their lives and I wonder am I living my life or am I just excisting? 

I live in a 6 plex apartment building and I am feeling alot of shame.  This past friday the management brought a bed bug sniffung dog through the our building.  My place is a mess because I am packing to move, and the place has bed bugs and I was the one who reported it (on July 1st) and instead of doing something about it right then, I was told I am the only one who has called so I must have brought them into the building and I will have to pay for to get rid of them if I can't do it on my own.  I am so ashamed, I am not a dirty person, this is my first rental experience and the place I am moving too has the same landlord, so I am affraid to say to much.  And I feel so ashamed, and dirty, and this is all my fault, and what will I do if they won't let me go to the new place?  Where will I go?  It's not like I can go home,  I don't have a home, and I sure don't have a family, and I feel so ashamed that I have these bugs and I am spraying every day and the landlord said if they have to bring in someone to do the heat treatment it will cost me $900.00.  and I am trying to get everything packed and I don't want to take the bugs with me, 

Tomorrow I am going to buy a new bed, and I have to find someone to haul my old one away, and the movers are coming on the 27 to put my things in storage, so I think I will leave my things in there for a couple of weeks, they say the bugs don't like heat or steam and it is very humid here right now.  And the landlord said she was going to call my neighbors and tell them I had bed bugs and I am so ashamed.   

All of this really triggers my childhood shame and I am really having to force myself to get out of bed and get packed.  

I wonder what life feels like to people who don't have PTSD, and depression, and all of the effects of childhood trauma........
Do they ever feel this way?
The landlord said I must have been in a motel or several other places where I could get bed bugs and the truth is I only leave this apartment once or twice a week.  I havent been in a motel in over a year and I feel so ashamed.  
I have lost so much, and every move I make trying to find out who pam is, what she likes is a step I take away from the only life I have ever known and that was with my father and he's not my father, I don't look at him like that he raised me to be his woman, the other woman, the other mother of his other children, and it hurts so much.
I have carried all thiese lies and all these secrets inside of me and it has been at times shear agony, and torture.  And my Aunts don't understand and it hurts so badly sometime I want to rip my heart out, sometimes I wish I didn't feel all of this and I don't know what to do with it and it hurts so bad and I am so ashamed.  And I see how people look at me, and they have no idea what I have survived.
I think more then anything I want my aunts and uncles and cousins to recognize that I lived this secret life, I want them to acknowledge my children,  I want them to know how much I hurt inside all the time every minute of every hour of every day. 
I sat through every holiday
every birthday
every wedding
every funeral
every gathering in pain
believing that if I ever told they would get rid of me.
The secret life of Pam, and it was right under their noses, and nobody said a word.
Nobody tried to help me.
And people knew and shame on them for not doing something about it.
So much shame and so much loss and still I hide so he won't find me,
still I hide so when I do go outside I don't have to worry if he's driving by, or if he's following me,
and there is so much shame and so much loss and It would be different if I had done something wrong, if I had been the one to seduce him, if I had been the one to say "wouldn't it be nice if we could have a  little family of our own"

It wasn't me.......
I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was a little girl born into this world like every child
hoping for the same life,yet groomed to be who HE wanted me to be, instead of being allowed to be me...........
SO......HAVE YOU SEEN PAM ????????
I AM STILL LOOKING FOR HER........
AND TONIGHT IS NOT THE NIGHT THAT I DECIDE TO GIVE UP LOOKING FOR HER........