Every day's a struggle,
every days a fight
between the part that wants to get up
get out
move around
and the parts that want to stay in bed
the parts at want to hide from the world
the parts that think no one will want to see us
have anything to do with us
how do I fight it
I'm so tired
I sleep all day
I'm up all night
I'm invisible to the world
I'm invisible to my family
they lie and tell people I'm crazy
I don't know why I survived
I don't know how I survived
I had no idea when I started remembering that there would be so much pain
or maybe I did
I remember saying to God I don't know what this is but I know you do
Marg said she knew this was really going to hurt
and she was right
she was right
I'm so tired
I just want to go home
where do I find the strength to fight this isolation
when all i want to do is lay in bed and sleep..........

The pain and grief is so intense right now I get up to take Harlow outside, I get up to eat, then I have to go back to bed. This room has always been my refuge, my hiding place.  Yesterday I felt like such a freak.  I don't know how I survived this.
    I found out I can send the request into the hospital through the mail.  So I will do that.  Hopefully I willl know once and for all how many babies I had.   I just want to know so I can move on. I'm tired of being stuck here.  Then I can decide what if anything to do about the DNA donors.  I think they need to answer for this the abuse was bad but all these babies. 
    I'm suprised that none have them have found me.  I hope that means they are happy and content...
Iv'e got some decisions to make and I want to move on.........   3/7/14