Every day's a struggle,
every days a fight
between the part that wants to get up
get out
move around
and the parts that want to stay in bed
the parts at want to hide from the world
the parts that think no one will want to see us
have anything to do with us
how do I fight it
I'm so tired
I sleep all day
I'm up all night
I'm invisible to the world
I'm invisible to my family
they lie and tell people I'm crazy
I don't know why I survived
I don't know how I survived
I had no idea when I started remembering that there would be so much pain
or maybe I did
I remember saying to God I don't know what this is but I know you do
Marg said she knew this was really going to hurt
and she was right
she was right
I'm so tired
I just want to go home
where do I find the strength to fight this isolation
when all i want to do is lay in bed and sleep..........

The pain and grief is so intense right now I get up to take Harlow outside, I get up to eat, then I have to go back to bed. This room has always been my refuge, my hiding place.  Yesterday I felt like such a freak.  I don't know how I survived this.
    I found out I can send the request into the hospital through the mail.  So I will do that.  Hopefully I willl know once and for all how many babies I had.   I just want to know so I can move on. I'm tired of being stuck here.  Then I can decide what if anything to do about the DNA donors.  I think they need to answer for this the abuse was bad but all these babies. 
    I'm suprised that none have them have found me.  I hope that means they are happy and content...
Iv'e got some decisions to make and I want to move on.........   3/7/14

2/12/2014

I'm having a hard time today understanding why they threw me away..
How do two people who created you turn their back on you and just walk away.
How do they say when you have come to your senses come back to us.
HOw do they say we didn't do this/
He's the father of my children. 
All of them
Micheal and Abigail born May 10, 1974 in Bethany Missouri
Deborah Marie born April 16, 1981
Joseph Lee born    1979
I was never with any man but him.
I obeyed all his rules.
I did everything I could think of to please them.
In the end I just had to get away from them.
I bought everythig I needed.
I found a place behind there back.
I sat down in the living room and I said to him I rented an apartment and I'm moving out.
He was so mad at me.
Why do you want to waist your money hen you can stay here?
I don't know why you want to waist your money.
He insisted on going with me to meet the landlord, and read the lease.
It was lonely but I had to get out of there.
I couldn't give any more babies away.
I didn't want to have any more of his kids.
I couldn't do it.

I was there 3 or 4 months.
He talked me into moving into Grandpa Kerrs old apartment on Raccoon st.
Probably so he could watch me.

1/30/2014

Have you ever found yourself struggling between needing to know, and being afraid to see the truth?

Just when I thought I knew how many children I had with my abuser
The memories start again.
They start anew.
2 more that I now must find proof of their existance.
by the time Deborah was born I didn't fight her anymore, I just signed the papers and gave her away like all the other's.
I knew what was expected of me.
no more children,
no more evidence that he slept with anyone but her.
I knew what he wanted,
for us to have a little family of our own. 
and me?
well I was stuck in the middle between them both
wanting out
wanting my own without them
wanting it all to stop......
so how many are there really?  I guess I'm about to find out.
how can he be so callous?  so selfish?
if she would not allow my children in her house then why not stop?
so many an answered questions 
I know I have to remember to heal, and as long as there is more to remember,
 it sits inside of me like poison waiting to be released
from 74 to 81 is long stretch so how many more are there?
I think it's time to find out......